Exposed through the Looking Glass
This Yoga Teacher Training is exposing all areas where I feel vulnerable. It is in the Yin poses, speaking my thoughts to a group, it’s in teaching that one pose and feeling like all the sudden I forgot most of the words and then instantly self critiquing myself, it’s in blogging, it’s in turning in my homework. Vulnerability is popping up everywhere!
You see, since I have started this YTT, I now see myself through a powerful magnifying glass, seeing the details of ahisma (non-violence), satya (truth), and now asteya (non-stealing), as well as lots of other goodies too. I wonder will I ever put it down and just be, or will this intense fascination of exploring the self keep me busy for the rest of my life? In a weird way, I am growing to like the feeling of vulnerability! It is like the big sign that pops up to ask WHY? An opportunity for more self inquiry. Thankfully there appears to be a smudge on my looking glass that prevents me from seeing everything clearly and it is allowing me to focus on what I do see with a little more truth. These new discoveries that are becoming clear are BIG! And I need time to sit with them, wrap my head around them, figure out my new mode of dealing with them…if it is something I want to change. And for some reason the things that are coming in so clear are the things that I want to change. I will share with you one of my recent discoveries.
I am afraid to totally put myself out there. I am afraid of not making the “right” decision. I am afraid to not say the “right” words. And this filters into the many areas of life… like making a simple purchase. I research and research for hours and hours… sometimes days even…before making a decision. I have to know all of the options that are out there in the world and then once I find what I like, I have to look a little more just to be sure I didn’t miss something. And then I take it to another step and price compare. Geez O Petes! All of this TIME that I am letting just slip away over the fear of not making the “right” choice kinda makes me feel like I am not fully honoring this sweet precious life. I am “stealing” this time from myself. So now that I have noticed this… I catch myself all the time in this holding back of my true expression. How does one overcome these fears…that barely feel like fears… but so obviously are? I guess you go to YTT every other weekend and put yourself out there, read the vulnerability signs, keep on peering through the looking glass allowing the answers to be revealed from within, and remembering to be thankful for the smudges.
You are putting into words what all of us are feeling. The vulnerability, the fear, the doubt. Trust in yourself. You say, “I need to sit with them”. Isn’t this the path? To be with, to pay attention. You have taught me many things so far on this journey, and I am grateful to be sharing this time with you. Believe in yourself. I believe in you.