Separateness

i

you

us

them

those people

wouldn’t it be lovely

if one could

live

in a constant state

of we?

some of the most

commonplace

words

can be some of the biggest

dividers

they

what if there was

no they?

what if there

was only

us?

if words could be seen

as they floated out

of our mouths

would we feel no

shame

as they passed beyond

our lips?

if we were to string

our words

on a communal clothesline

would we feel proud

as our thoughts

flapped in the

breeze?

-Marilyn Maciel

It is odd how we create so much separateness in our lives in the concept of me and you. If I am not happy it is because YOU are annoying me…or… YOU are not happy, I wonder what I did? And although I think I have made big strides in refraining from the blaming of others and the blaming of self…it still creeps in. The difference is now I notice. Tonight I had an experience with R where he could sense that my energy was off and so he asked me what was up. I shared with him my stress around feeling judged by other parents as I return to school tomorrow after an incident that happened on Friday. He had lots to say on the subject and I was irritated. As I sat in the shower with the hot water beating on my neck I wondered why I was so irritated with him, I realized it wasn’t him at all. I just wanted to be heard. I wasn’t ready to hear all his thoughts on the subject. So in the spirit of wholeness, and the releasing of the duality of him and me, my irritation dissolved and I was able to honor the space that resides in all of us that sometimes just wants to be heard. And as for the parents that I will see tomorrow morning… peace be with them. I can handle the judgments and gossip because I will continue to live in the truth. Powerful people often get a bad rap. What’s up with that?

The crane that calls Anahata home.

Another Teacher training weekend has passed. After spending the past two weeks crying, digging up stuff, processing, crying some more and wondering if I was beginning to be depressed things began to lighten up a bit… maybe it was because I was ready to step back into the weekend with my fellow classmates and maybe it was because I was getting a bit giddy about Chakra Friday! I just have to say this… I feel high after Chakra Fridays! I am not sure what takes place on those Friday nights that could make me feel this way. Maybe it is the focus on the Chakras alone. But I can hardly contain myself. I giggle, my eyes are fluttery, I am full of energy and can hardly sleep. I come home and talk a mile a minute sharing my experience of the night. So this past Friday we explored the third and fourth chakras. I am still a bit curious about the 3rd chakra, Manipura. I kind of feel like I want to skip that one… not really connecting to it or fully understanding it. There must be a “Lustrous Jewel” in the 3rd chakra for me, I just haven’t found it yet. So I will just move on to the 4th Chakra, Anahata, Heart Chakra! Oh, I do connect here. And as I have these animals that have appeared to represent my 1st chakra (Lion) and 2nd Chakra (Whale)… nothing for 3rd yet… I now have a beautiful white crane that calls my heart home in the 4th chakra. And the more I think about this the more perfect I realize the fit. This chakra rules over the heart, lungs, arms and hands and the expansion of these body parts is very bird like. And the 4th chakra element is air…what this bird needs to soar. I could go on and on about what this bird means to me actually and how it has been in my life for some time. This bird is a powerful messenger and I am grateful to recognize it in relationship to this chakra. We did a meditation where we thought of something we were angry about ( which was hard for me because this is not an emotion that comes easy for me…sadness, yes…anger, not so much) and we imagined this anger as a thick, heavy smoke and then breathed it into our Anahata transforming it into love and compassion and then breathing it back out into the world. We did this until the smoke was gone and all the while my bird was flying overhead, flapping its wings and dispersing the smoke (anger) making less for me to breathe in. it is a symbol of freedom, of love, of compassion. And this bird has nested in my heart. I will write more about the weekend soon. It was great!

Sometimes I have to be a brat!

I am a bit annoyed with myself. I am procrastinating on my homework and I am procrastinating on my getting my other work done too. I am wanting to have some free time to sit in the sunshine and read a book with no cares. So I tried to do this while doing my homework only to have my rebellious nature flare up a bit and throw a little tantrum. No… I don’t want to do something that I am supposed to be doing, I want to read a different book that has nothing to do with yoga! Well it actually does… but it is not required reading. Yes my old habits of homework rebellion are rearing their head. I am like a little high school brat right now. I wanna do what I wanna do when I wanna do it… so there! So this little tantrum does nothing to relieve my stress and actually perpetuates it. And I see this pattern in me in other areas as well…yes I am very flexible in my thinking in many ways until I decide NOT to be and then I am the “It’s my way or the highway” type of person that drives me crazy in others. I needed to see this in myself right now and so this little obstacle of my high school bratty behavior has served its purpose and now I can get to work and enjoy it. I hope it is that easy.

Love for the Mama Cows & chickens

Not sure if it is the studying of ahisma or the fact that I am feeling completely raw and open right now therefore extremely sensitive, but I am beginning to experience a sadness around consuming dairy and eggs. I haven’t been able to quite understand my thoughts around it. They are brief and fluttery… not clear and concise. They have to do with honoring the feminine and being aware of the inhumane treatment of mothers. Even writing this tears well up. There is a message that is trying to come through but I am a little afraid to listen. I love eggs and cheese! I am afraid to be a vegan! It feels so restrictive… full of “I can’ts”. There are eggs in everything! And I absolutely LOVE my cowboy boots… if I was vegan, wouldn’t it be a bit hypocritical to be sporting my favorite leather boots? Perhaps I will baby step this…

eat less eggs and dairy and really honor the source from which they came, that sweet, divine, feminine body.

I will not judge myself when I choose to consume them.

I will allow my diet to remain honest with my feelings.

and I will let it be okay to be my own kind of vegan eating, cowboy boot wearing, lover of the feminine, FREE spirit! ~namaste!

Funny!

It’s funny that my previous post titled “Exposed through the Looking Glass” you can barely see. I can’t figure out why its like that. I guess I was just barely exposing myself. Ha! I am going to work a bit more on trying to fix it. If you have any ideas, let me know! Love.

Exposed through the Looking Glass

This Yoga Teacher Training is exposing all areas where I feel vulnerable. It is in the Yin poses, speaking my thoughts to a group, it’s in teaching that one pose and feeling like all the sudden I forgot most of the words and then instantly self critiquing myself, it’s in blogging, it’s in turning in my homework. Vulnerability is popping up everywhere!

You see, since I have started this YTT, I now see myself through a powerful magnifying glass, seeing the details of ahisma (non-violence), satya (truth), and now asteya (non-stealing), as well as lots of other goodies too.  I wonder will I ever put it down and just be, or will this intense fascination of exploring the self keep me busy for the rest of my life? In a weird way, I am growing to like the feeling of vulnerability! It is like the big sign that pops up to ask WHY? An opportunity for more self inquiry. Thankfully there appears to be a smudge on my looking glass that prevents me from seeing everything clearly and it is allowing me to focus on what I do see with a little more truth. These new discoveries that are becoming clear are BIG! And I need time to sit with them, wrap my head around them, figure out my new mode of dealing with them…if it is something I want to change. And for some reason the things that are coming in so clear are the things that I want to change. I will share with you one of my recent discoveries.

I am afraid to totally put myself out there. I am afraid of not making the “right” decision. I am afraid to not say the “right” words. And this filters into the many areas of life… like making a simple purchase. I research and research for hours and hours… sometimes days even…before making a decision. I have to know all of the options that are out there in the world and then once I find what I like, I have to look a little more just to be sure I didn’t miss something. And then I take it to another step and price compare. Geez O Petes!  All of this TIME that I am letting just slip away over the fear of not making the “right” choice kinda makes me feel like I am not fully honoring this sweet precious life. I am “stealing” this time from myself. So now that I have noticed this… I catch myself all the time in this holding back of my true expression. How does one overcome these fears…that barely feel like fears… but so obviously are? I guess you go to YTT every other weekend and put yourself out there, read the vulnerability signs, keep on peering through the looking glass allowing the answers to be revealed from within, and remembering to be thankful for the smudges.

Memories of birth

Today was my youngest sons 8th birthday. I woke with him standing next to my bed with a sweet Buddha smile and he said, “Thank you, Mom.” I said, “for what baby?” and he replies, “ For the streamers hanging in my doorway and for everything else.” He then crawled into bed with me snuggled down and went back to sleep. When we got up and i made it to my mat I was overcome with all the beautiful details of his birth. He was born at home at 5:58 am and it was just moments before the sun peaked into my bedroom to welcome him. I remembered dancing through my labor and feeling a confidence in the power that was moving through me. I remember his brother seeing him for the first time. These memories mixed with my sweet morning experience inspired a rich and powerful practice. That same power that moved through me in birth was there on my mat. Strong and courageous. Soft and allowing. And I was able to remind myself that that awesomeness is not reserved for birth only and that it is available at all times. Maybe I was emitting a high frequency of this strong, courageous, soft, and allowing power because there was an extra sweetness to our connection today, a remembering of of that first breath. A deep discussion about our Oneness that was brought on by him followed by a birthday party that was pure 8 year old fun. Then he was back for more of that mama/son connection and he was overflowing with his sweet affection. After I tucked him in for the night he called me back in and gave me one of his arrowheads, a gift, a token, a lovely gesture of his appreciation that I am his mama. And all of that quickly erased all guilt for not turning in my asana sheets that were due. Happy Birthday Aidan!

Auditory Experience

There was a lot more to the YTT last weekend… more than just Chakra Bliss. We had a great conversational anatomy session with Baxter Bell that I enjoyed but I really would have enjoyed more hands on. More exploration of our own anatomy as well as others. I love to feel my bones, my muscles, and imagine what I look like from the inside. I am much more kinesthetic and visual than auditory for sure!!! In fact, I have noticed that I am actually not a very good listener. I am so easily distracted by my visual experience that I miss things that are being said. I am listening but it is often in one ear and out the other. The retaining part is very frustrating. In the past, I have had struggles with academics because the classes are often taught with the emphasis on the auditory style of learning. Hmmmm. In walks low self esteem… “I am not as smart as the rest”, “I better not say the answer because I could have missed some important information”, “Why is this so hard to retain?”. Well, what I have realized is that if I close my eyes, if I close off that super excited visual channel, I can hear so much better. It is why I like to place myself in the front of the class… so I can stay in my own practice and not visually jump all over the place. So how does one strengthen that auditory channel without having to shut down the other senses? I would love to know because there are parts of this teacher training that are bringing up some of those insecurities of learning and retaining. This is an awesome journey. Rediscovering old patterns, noticing new ones, speaking out truthfully, and remembering to be kind to myself along the way.

Chakra Junkie!

Yes, I am now a chakra junkie. Tonight’s class was on the 1st and 2nd chakras. And I am seriously flying high. My visualizations were strong and powerful. My practice was exhilarating. We experienced the current of manifestation and the current of liberation. And then we settled in to Muladhara, the root chakra, that is located in your pelvic floor. It is the one that grounds you. It’s earthy. It’s your relationship with money. It’s safety and abundance. And after a grounding asana practice we were asked to notice this chakra and what might come up…a color, a person, an animal, a word. For me, this was awesome because immediately a huge, powerful, LION showed up. And what was extra cool is that I had a dream about this lion a few months ago except in my dream it was a lioness but somehow I know that it was the same Lion. And the dream was all about safety, survival, and being grounded. (I am happy to share the dream… just don’t feel like writing it now.) This lion has something to tell me… and who wouldn’t listen to a lion?! Geez O Petes! Exciting stuff! Moving on into the second chakra, Sexy Svadhistana, located deep in the low belly. It is sex. Creativity. Creation. The right to feel and have pleasure. It is yumminess. We heated up this chakra with some belly dancing and proceeded to dance our asanas, which was very comfortable for me because that is how I practice at home a lot. I love to dance. And I love when dance inspires my practice!! And tonight I was surrounded by juicy, sensual, lovely beings, that sent the energy flying in the room. I feel so fortunate to be part of this group of amazing people. The color of this chakra for me was a deep oceanic blue and well, another animal appeared…this time… it was a sensual whale. She didn’t quite swim like you know a whale to swim. She was sensual and mysterious and a little playful and had eyelashes like a horses. I look forward to swimming again with her. I am still flying high from my Chakra Friday. Deep bow to Madeline for the fun, exciting, powerful class. LOVE!

Deep Smiles Within

There is something about being on my mat as the sun comes up that makes me smile from deep within. I love how the hummingbirds come for breakfast and buzz me with their nectar lovin selves. And the little finches ( I call them my little Thumbprint birds because they are sooo very tiny) come by the dozens with the sweetest chirps ever. This morning the moon was right above my head in the blue sky and there was a gentle,cool breeze dancing in the leaves. All I hear is nature and my breath. And then the sun peeks over my neighbors roof and my eyelids are red and I am bathed in the warmth of its vibrant energy. And then, ever so gradually, I hear the activity of other people starting their day…making breakfast…walking the dog… going to work. There is something about witnessing the day come alive that makes me smile deep within and adds a little extra sweetness to my morning practice on my mat.